But today was a long day filled with meetings of repeated lessons in professional dispositions. We even had a quiz! (Check your email for the survey you haven't already.) And while I sat today listening to all of these successful people speak about how scary the real world is going to be, I began to get more nervous. Needless to say, I felt the majority of the today was just scaring me more than I need to be. But regardless, I'm still excited. I can't wait to get up and go to school tomorrow to start the day. I'm excited to see the kids and get used to a new schedule for the next fifteen weeks. Today's meetings were long and exhaustive, but I already know how much more tired I'll be in the weeks to come. I'm not even worried about the little sleep I'll get. Because I'm getting to do something that I genuinely love. And one of the things the Dean said this morning is still ringing in my head...
She reminded us that even while we're nervous and frightened for the unknown future to come, we (being the student teachers) have forgotten the most important part. This isn't about us... not at all actually. Yes, our fears are there, very present and very real. But who cares about us? This isn't about me succeeding. This is about getting my students to succeed. Hearing this was an oddly surreal thought for me. I had actually become so consumed by my own worries and fears that I lost sight of what's most important.
I feel foolish and even a little disappointed in myself. I know I let my worries get the best of me some days, but this time I had let it fully blind me from what was at stake. The truth is, I know I will succeed at teaching. I'm not saying this because I'm arrogant. I'm saying this because I am experienced. I know there's a lot of stuff I need to learn, but I know I can do it because I have before. I've said this before in my last blogpost. Yet meanwhile, I've still made it all about me. Me, me, me.
Instead of thinking so much about how many different ways I may fail, I need to start thinking about how many different ways I can get my students excel. This isn't a novel idea whatsoever and yet when the Dean brought it to my attention today, I felt like I had been hit by the bus of reality. My focus has shifted now. I need to look outwardly rather than at myself. Now the reality of the situation is that this is about me. We do need to bring a certain amount of skills to the table for students. But we can't forget that students aren't just empty vessels waiting to be filled. They're eager to learn, not just to memorize. So not only do I need to bring all of my content knowledge, but I need to bring all the many methods of instruction.
It seems like every week, I'm here writing about the same old stuff in this blog. I feel like I'm learning and relearning every week. But I've become thankful for that. It reminds me how much of a student I am and how much left there is for me to learn. It also reminds me that I'm no different from my students. I'm worried about teaching and they're worried about learning. Sometimes I wonder how many times I'll need to keep learning these similar lessons, but then I realize that it'll probably never end. I need to keep growing, learning and understanding the world with new insight.
And it might still be about me. Here I am saying "I... I... I..." well the truth is, without constantly evaluating my students' successes, I'll never know what I need to do better. I am who I am because of them. I'm not teaching for me. I'm teaching for them.
I see it as a cycle. We've become teachers probably because some time long ago a teacher had instilled the idea in our mind that we could make a difference; we could have an impact. And along our journey, we discovered that we were good at teaching. (We're all good if we've made it thus far!) Now, we want to become teachers so we can put that same idea into a child's young mind. Do you see how it just comes full circle? But without someone making learning all about us, we would have never learned this lesson. Now we've lived the past X number of years making it about oneself. Tomorrow we make it about them; tomorrow is for the students.
