The Scariest Time of Year

Normally I'm a huge fan of this time of year. I love the fall weather, the fall festivities and Halloween! This year though seems a little different. This week is the week we finally get our junior bloc placements. And I'm not sure about about the rest of you, but I'm a little scared!

Of course my fear isn't the same fear that comes from scary movies, haunted hayrides and plain ol' trickery. My fear is the fear of failure. Although I'm slowly overcoming this fear and accepting it as a part of life, I can't help but think of how much is on the line and how many people I can disappoint.

This past week in our junior block methods class we watched the end of the documentary we've been working on all semester. The film is on first year teachers and I couldn't help but tear up in class as we watched these teachers pack up their classrooms and say goodbye to their students until the fall again. They had finally survived their first year of teaching. After the film we reflected personally and as a class on the emotions we were experiencing. While I couldn't even bear to say what I was thinking because I knew I'd start crying, another peer said it perfectly. Jen related this documentary to how it made her feel and her own attempts at raising her children. She expressed her fears in giving someone else (i.e. a teacher) the responsibility to shape her daughter in the same ways that she had done for the first part of her life. Hearing Jen, a mother, made me realize exactly how much responsibility I do have. I've known this for awhile, but it suddenly became extremely real and terrifying when I heard a friend expressing her worries. I'm almost 22 years old and while I just barely take care of myself, I don't know if I'm responsible enough to care for another person. So how in the world am I supposed to be responsible for caring for an entire classroom of 25+ students?

It took another peer's input to say just what I needed to hear. She said she knows she'll have to bring her all every single day when we get into our classrooms. And while it'll be insanely hard some days to bring everything that we have, we mustn't give up. This isn't about us, this is about our students. 

I know I can care for people because it's who I am. It's the way I was raised. It's the way I'm propelled every day to achieve bigger and better things for me and the world I live in. I guess it's this feeling that I've always had about being a teacher and now it finally has a name. It might be called love.

Now love isn't always rainbows and lollipops. We're told this every day in our classes. Love can be extremely scary. Love will be hard when we want to see all of our students succeed and while we may exhaust ourselves mentally and physically, there may still be a student who just can't learn in a way we can teach them. That doesn't mean we've failed; that doesn't mean they've failed. It means that they need more love, from someone who is better at providing it for them. Love will be difficult when we see our students come from the toughest places and try their hardest not to let the world's drama follow them into the school. Love will be trying when a student believes they cannot excel.

But love isn't always going to be difficult. Love will grow when we inspire a student to go after their dreams. Love will blossom when a student of ours one day becomes a teacher to change the world they live in.

(Now I know this isn't Valentine's day, so let me get back to my Halloween metaphors.) I guess what I'm saying is that some days it'll be the trick and others will be the treat. But it can't be about how scary things are; it must be about how great things will be. We can't always hide behind masks and never take chances. We've spent three and a half years learning "all that we need to know" about becoming a teacher; but in the midst of it all, don't forget what is at the core of it all... a caring heart. 

The Journey or The Destination?

As of lately, it seems like I'm encountering a lot of people who are finally finding the path of life they believe they should be traveling. This is true for me too.
It's weird that it's taken so long to feel this way, but it's not too surprising. I expect there will be many more twists and turns ahead.

When we were in high school, we began the journey of choosing what direction we wanted to head. For some of us, I'm sure it seemed like there was no other option than college. For others, there might have been literally a world of opportunities. For me specifically, I choose to come to Millersville for nothing but selfish reasons. Looking back, I'm ridiculously thankful it actually played out to my advantage instead of the drastic path it could have went. I wanted to be a teacher, again for selfish reasons. I've been lucky enough to have encountered some awesome teachers throughout my life and one day I thought, "Hmm... I could do that." It was indeed self-centered at first, but when others began telling me I should become a teacher, I began to wonder if maybe I could be cut out for the job.
Actually, ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed I would become a math professor at PSU. That dream died in the eighth grade when my math teacher said, "You're terrible at math! You'll never be able to be a professor!" We won't get into all of the extrinsic motivating factors that forever ruined my hopes and dreams of becoming a math professor, but her words will forever stick with me. I quickly knew one thing was certain: I never wanted to be the teacher that she was.
Fast forward a few years and I was in high school realizing I need to apply to colleges and choose a major. I knew I didn't have to have a major to start necessarily, but I wanted to have a goal to aim for. I applied to Millersville's history education program because I loved history. Although accepted, a week before we arrived here in August of 2008, I told them I wanted to change my major to English ed. I like English a smidgen more than history. That decision changed my entire life path. 
First semester here, I had four of my five classes with the same group of girls. We quickly became the best of friends. Since then, for the most part, we've all been taking this walk through our education together. But as we got older, took different classes, and moved around, we began to realize although we were all aiming towards becoming English teachers, we were all on very different journeys.
Even now, in the last final semesters, I'm finding that some of my great friends and peers realize they aren't cut out to be teachers or it's reconfirmed that they're on the right track. I experienced the same feelings last semester. (Something I had kept from many of my friends because I feared what they'd say.) I kept it well-hidden, did my work and finished another checklist of classes I needed to graduate. When this fall semester started, everything began to change. Something literally felt different in me. I had passion again. For teaching, for English, for life. I began talking to people about the emotions I felt last semester and realized many of them were worried about that this semester. It's scary and overwhelming, but like everything else in life, we aren't alone. Someone has, or is, experiencing the same feelings and emotions. 
For me, it was the past week when I finally had my epiphany. I'm sure many of you are even thinking now that I've been talking about this for awhile, but it was literally yesterday that I sat here and realized that I'm exactly where I should to be. I have a conflict of interests with my own past and I'm constantly wondering if all my decisions today are based off of the ones of my past. (If you ever want a great conversation to share over coffee, I'll tell you my entire theory about this.) But yesterday, I heard a song that got me thinking about the past again. And for some reason, I didn't have the same panic-stricken feeling that I get when I remember the way things used to be. Instead, I felt an odd serenity in life. A moment later, a quote was placed in front of me that read, "Your past is just a story. And once you realize this, it has no power over you." I literally felt freed in a celebratory moment of ah-ha realization.

I could make you a plot chart of my life and all it would do is tell you a story from start to finish. So I began to consider which is more important; is it the journey or the destination? So often we hear that it's the trip, not the end result. But the road I've been on has been a roller coaster and I although I see the end destination and I'm excited to get there, I want to keep on riding for a little while more.
The conclusion I've come to? ...We wouldn't be nearly as excited to get to the destination if we didn't have the journey. The adventure needs to have purpose and intention. The two of them have to coexist for it to be worthwhile, for life to have meaning.
So grab a friend, take a seat, scream and yell, laugh and cry, and hold on tight for this roller coaster of life.

Lessons Recently Learned

As most of you probably already know, I went to the Pennsylvania Conference for Teachers of English and Language Arts (PCTELA) this past weekend. I was planning on going regardless, but then I also had the opportunity to present a writing collaboration project. And I have to say that as a preservice teacher attending this conference, it was a little overwhelming but incredibly insightful. Let me tell you about some of the things I learned.

1) In our classes now, we're learning about all of these awesome progressive ideas, but we still fear resistance from the outside world. And this is rightfully so! I met a lot of incredible people this weekend, but I have to tell you that all of our teaching philosophies varied. It wasn't the happy-go-lucky world of teaching that so many of us crave but aren't sure actually exist. Oppositely, some of the teachers I met were able to get away with all sorts of things in their classrooms and their classrooms were successful. Others feared what would happen if they loosened their reins. One important piece of advice I learned this weekend is that we have to be passionate. Of course we're all taught this and told that if we don't have any, we should probably find a different career. But as I sat around hearing the stories from all sorts of teachers, I realized everything they did stemmed out of passion. Whatever we do in life, do it passionately.
2) Network, network, network! The theme of this weekend was Community Through Collaboration. Even as a preservice teacher entering this big conference filled with veterans in the field, they were all willing to hear and appreciate the ideas I brought to the table. Although most of them weren't nearly as progressive as my philosophies are, they quickly realized that I had some valuable information to offer them and vice-versa. I couldn't possibly list all of the great advice and lessons I learned this weekend in this single blog post. In an age of technology, networking and community collaboration can be done in a blink of an eye. (After all, think about you simply reading this blog post that I just offered.) Get out there and start networking! Don't be afraid to talk to people and bounce ideas around. On the right hand side of this blog is a link to the English Companion Ning, check that out! Create your own website and link to others. This is the world wide web people!
3) We need to stop talking about the 21st century like it's not here. We keep talking about all of these skills that students of the 21st century need to have, but we seem to almost seem to forget for a second that we're actually already here in that century! We need to make sure we're harnessing these skills in our own lives and the lives of our students if we expect them to be prepared for life beyond school. Hello 2011!

Of course now, let me tell you about one last crucial thing I learned this weekend. There is no other time than right now. Do you hear me? This is our moment, right now. Not tomorrow, not a month from now, but right this second. I don't know about the rest of you, but lately it seems like life is a freight train completely whizzing by me and I can barely stay on track. And while we need to be looking ahead and be preparing for the future, we cannot forget that we're here today. I think too often we get so caught up in all the planning that we forget to live a little in the moment. I realized this when I drove four and a half hours along the turnpike between here and Pittsburgh and then back. Although I was soaring by at 65 miles per hour, I took time to slow my mind and realize how incredibly beautiful the changing colors of fall were. For those of you who haven't driven the western half of the PA turnpike, prepare yourself for four mountain tunnels and twisty roads bending with the mountainsides. In the midst of the traffic, Thursday's rain and the chaos of life swarming in my mind, I took a moment to glance out the windows and notice all of the beautiful colors of trees in the valleys to the left and right. Oranges, reds, yellows, purples, browns, grays, greens. It made me realize how fast I'm living and how quick I'm dying. In a moment of all of the craziness flocking around us, I just ask you to take a moment and literally stop to smell the roses (or see the changing colors of fall). We're here today: so live passionately and do good. We don't know if we'll have tomorrow.

519 Years Later

Remember when we were children and life was so sweet whenever Columbus Day came around? We had off of school, we got to frolic in the fall leaves, carve pumpkins and sleep in late. I sang songs, put on a school play, and still til this day I have that infamous line stuck in my head: 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
I mean thank goodness Columbus crashed into this enormous piece of land known as North America on a school/working day so we could all have off of school and some of our government jobs. (Bad joke #1.) Where has this gotten us today? Yes, for those in elementary, middle and high school have off, but I sure as heck don't see any of them celebrating the fact that without Columbus we wouldn't have a home. (Bad joke #2.)
For me and probably the majority of you, we don't have a break at all. Yes, we do have off of classes today, but only because this year our Fall Break happened to fall over Columbus Day, much like Columbus happened to find America. For previous years, we still had to go to class and slave away doing homework and writing papers. Isn't it my God-forsaken right as an American citizen to have a day off of school for the man that "discovered" our present homeland? Of course not, because Columbus Day means nothing anymore: people don't care. Columbus was pompously obsessed with the idea of finding a quicker route from Europe to India and he just happened to bump into a land mass. Discovery of the new land was nothing but coincidental or pure luck. But now, some of us are simply rewarded with a day off of school or work, while the rest of us are inconvenienced with the lack of mail delivery and federal buildings being closed.
I digress.
One thing Columbus and I did have in common is that we see a goal and we're set on obtaining it. He might have been a little self-obsessed and wanted the recognition of proving the earth wasn't flat, but I'm much more simpler. I want to be a good person; a great teacher; I want to help people along the way. Columbus wasn't for promoting humanity and I am.
And thanks to him, this year at least, I get to have a day off to do it all. I get to sit and fill out piles of paperwork for "intent on teaching in 2012," getting a TB test shot up my arm and paying the appropriate fees. Doesn't it seem like since the moment we've entered college, we do nothing besides pay more and more money? Hey guys, let's scrounge together the last of our change so we can pay just to have a degree. Forget the fact that we've paid years' tuition for it. Now we have to pay to have it all filed. I can't help but feel like a small part of me dies with every form I fill out and every money order I send off.
I don't mean to degrade Columbus in any sense, but I can't help but wonder what I have to do to get my picture on a stamp? That man coincidentally bumped into America and gets a national holiday and a stamp... what do I have to do? 

One day all of this paperwork, miscellaneous vaccines and shots, and fees will pay off. I don't mean literally of course, because we all know the average teacher's salary. But other rewards will come. We get to help people, grow alongside of our students, and shape the lives of the future. We play a major role in the scheme of things. After all, Columbus probably had a few teachers impact him along his educational path. (Although most of them probably told him the earth was flat.) We, in theory, could help shape the life of the next Columbus. We might even be alive to hear the accomplishments of our future students, with the memory that we were a role in their young lives. They might get a stamp with their face on it, we still won't. Being a teacher is a rewarding but a nearly anonymous identity. We've devoted our lives to this and we might never get the recognition we deserve. But it is about us?
Columbus didn't get to do much actually. Yes, he found the land mass of North America, but honestly, who could have missed it? He took a chance and he found a reward. He wasn't the first to find America, but he's remembered for actually staying. A few hundred years later, the United States would finally be established as a new country. Columbus had no idea that his discovery would have resulted in this.
And here we are 519 years later. I bet Columbus would have never known his silly, self-absorbed idea, would have resulted in this. Our lives as teachers will be similar. We make day-to-day decisions and we might never see the reward or outcome. I honestly don't think any of us will ever see a stamp with our name or face on it. But we were called to do this. Someone told us something along our own path that placed the idea in our head that we were meant to be a teacher. Whatever that person said or did, we began questioning our own ideas about life, and here we are to answer them and show students how to find their own answers.
I encourage you to stretch your students' minds. Let them think outside the box or beyond the next ocean. There's a horizon out there and they need to aim for it. Set your sail and embark on a journey, but remember that you can never quite reach that horizon. It'll grow and move with you, always pushing you the next step. And who knows, you might even stumble upon a new idea or two along the way.

Practicing for the Praxis

I in fact did have another panic attack on Saturday after purchasing and downloading a Praxis Study Guide and Practice Praxis Exam.
The first page of the Study Guide read:

While paging numbly throughout the study guide the only information I concluded was how ill-prepared I felt and how pointless purchasing the study guide was. Most of the information inside was like: "Make a study plan!" "Take your time!" and "Don't wait until the last minute!" Well thanks for those friendly reminders. Note: Don't waste your money on purchasing this half, instead go all in for the practice exam!
And so, I decided to take a glance into the exam...
After reading the first page alone, I panicked and snapped my computer lid shut. I couldn't handle it. Sweaty palms, heart racing, I thought I was about to pass out.
Thankfully, after I regained my composure the next day (a normally lazy Sunday afternoon) I sat down and began to take my practice exam. 120 questions in 120 minutes. I trudged through painstakingly and when I didn't have a question of a doubt in my mind about some right answers, I cheered happily to myself.
People, get ready to recall EVERYTHING you have once learned. I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not. This really is a cumulative assessment and you'd be surprised to know you do know a lot of the content if you paid attention in high school English. If not, it's not to late to start refreshing yourself on what alliteration is, how to define dependent clauses, and writing annotations / bibliography entries. However, if you allow me to be honest for a minute, I must tell you that a lot of questions are in regard to reading a passage and then identifying something (i.e. what the author's point may be, etc). The absolute hardest part for me featured a few moments where a long passage is posted and then the only question for that passage is "Who is the author?" Uhhhh. Okay. So while we've spent most of our college career reading countless authors throughout history, there were still some on there that I've never read. (Someone please tell me when I was supposed to have the time to do this?)
The good news: You aren't penalized for wrong answers so guess your little hearts out. There aren't trick questions (thank goodness). Everything is multiple choices (yay Scantrons...). You can take it as many times as your heart so desires.
The best news: It's not actually that awful. Like I said, we do know this stuff. Just take a deep breath and practice for it. It'll be alright. I'm happy to say I passed it this practice round. I'm sure you can do the same, once you get pass the initial shock. If you have any other questions about it, I suggest really buying the practice exam, or maybe some of us can gather together and have a refresh night. Just know that it is a big test, the pressure is on, but you were born for this moment. You'll be great!
Here are two practice questions to get your brains thumping:

At the end of yesterday I was mentally exhausted from doing schoolwork all weekend and after completing that Practice Praxis Exam, but it was worth it, you know? Soon I'll be getting to do what I love... soon I'll be getting to teach! And you will too. Rock on small people, rock on.