Sunday, December 25, 2011
Thursday, December 15, 2011
I've Tried. I'm Tired.
It's so incredibly easy to feel defeated. It's kind of a funny feeling to think that this week I've finished all the courses I need for my undergrad and now the only thing between me and graduation is student teaching. I'm excited to get into the field and apply all of my knowledge. Every time I find myself in the school, I feel encouraged to press forward, even on the toughest of days.
But out here... in the "real world," without any students nearby to remind me every moment what I'm fighting for, it can happen so fast to feel defeated. I've been working so so so hard this semester. Literally to the point where I've been in tears. I've had sleepless nights and I've had celebratory ones. I honestly cannot remember a time I've ever been so proud of myself. I don't mean to sound pompous or arrogant. That's not at all my intention. I just actually set a concrete goal for myself at the start of this semester and I've finally achieved it. It feels damn good.
Yet I cannot help but feel that with every small victory, I get one more slap thrown in my face trying to push me back down. I know it sounds melodramatic maybe to some, but it's not the least bit to me. Maybe it's because I'm the one fighting; I'm the one suffering through this. But it's the truth. Of course, leave it to me to attempt to over-analyze everything. Like honestly, one of my first thoughts is to start wondering that maybe I'm not cut out to be a teacher. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm always wondering. I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of fighting against the grain. I'm tired of giving it my all and still getting smacked down. I'm tired!
I'm writing to you in pain. Absolute heartbreak. Heartbreak? Yes. Because I feel like I've never loved anything more than I love life right now. I've tried to find a word for it... you know, when everything feels exactly right in the universe? That's how I've felt these past few weeks. Everything simply fell into it's place. Yet at the last moment, I've been hit down again with reality. I guess it's to keep me on my toes. Or to see if I can keep pushing through. But I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel like I've got none of the "stuff" everyone talks about having when they need to muster it all up. I've got nothing but a big heart that's so easily broken.
I've worked so incredibly hard. And now it's completely out of my control. It's beyond me. It's up to fate. And maybe, maybe fate's trying to tell me something...
But out here... in the "real world," without any students nearby to remind me every moment what I'm fighting for, it can happen so fast to feel defeated. I've been working so so so hard this semester. Literally to the point where I've been in tears. I've had sleepless nights and I've had celebratory ones. I honestly cannot remember a time I've ever been so proud of myself. I don't mean to sound pompous or arrogant. That's not at all my intention. I just actually set a concrete goal for myself at the start of this semester and I've finally achieved it. It feels damn good.
Yet I cannot help but feel that with every small victory, I get one more slap thrown in my face trying to push me back down. I know it sounds melodramatic maybe to some, but it's not the least bit to me. Maybe it's because I'm the one fighting; I'm the one suffering through this. But it's the truth. Of course, leave it to me to attempt to over-analyze everything. Like honestly, one of my first thoughts is to start wondering that maybe I'm not cut out to be a teacher. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm always wondering. I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of fighting against the grain. I'm tired of giving it my all and still getting smacked down. I'm tired!
I'm writing to you in pain. Absolute heartbreak. Heartbreak? Yes. Because I feel like I've never loved anything more than I love life right now. I've tried to find a word for it... you know, when everything feels exactly right in the universe? That's how I've felt these past few weeks. Everything simply fell into it's place. Yet at the last moment, I've been hit down again with reality. I guess it's to keep me on my toes. Or to see if I can keep pushing through. But I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel like I've got none of the "stuff" everyone talks about having when they need to muster it all up. I've got nothing but a big heart that's so easily broken.
I've worked so incredibly hard. And now it's completely out of my control. It's beyond me. It's up to fate. And maybe, maybe fate's trying to tell me something...
Sunday, December 11, 2011
This blog will live on!
I just wanted to let all of you know that even though the fall 2011 semester has ended, I will continue to update this blog every Monday! Stay tuned for some exciting projects I want to try out during the winter break. I'm excited to hear what all of you are doing, so keep in touch!
I'll be posting the next two weeks from Hawaii!
I'll be posting the next two weeks from Hawaii!
A Small Part of Big Family
Can you believe it? It really happened! We did it! We made it to the LAST week. Hey guys, did you catch that... THE VERY LAST WEEK OF THE SEMESTER! We're here! Looking back at when I started this blog, I hardly even believed that the week of December 12th even existed... but here we are! And a very happy Monday to all of you :) We're actually done... we actually did it. We are still alive here today to talk about our victories!
I couldn't be more proud of all of you. And let me just say how honored I am to have been a part of all of your journeys. Finally let me thank you for being a part of mine. I honestly could not have done it without you.
If we could, please take a moment to look back at all that we've achieved this semester... (and queue the montage)
...This entire blog started because we had our first #futureteachermeltdown And let me say that those moments haven't entirely ceased! But it's alright, I guess it keeps things interesting.
...We panicked about taking the Praxis test. Yet on class on Tuesday we passed around high fives to everyone who took it this round. We all passed!
...Columbus may have attempted to circumnavigate the globe but I know for many of us, seeing our thought process with unit planning and actual classroom application, we began to see our ideas come full circle.
...We spent an entire semester on an amazing, yet incredibly rocky, journey. Here we are at this small destination point. We have many more destinations to reach! Remember to weigh them both equally: the importance of the journey and our goals.
...We faced some scary moments of ah-ha epiphanies. One of those moments I can best remember is Dakota's realization that she's not being called to be a teacher. She took one heck of a plunge in her decision to withdrawal her student teaching application. And she's so incredibly happy! As are we! The best part, she's still a part of our family. :)
...We learned that it's okay to fail and English majors can cry! (As Eric's piece of advice, we shouldn't, but sometimes we just need to get it out of our systems.)
...We came to the realization that we're the lucky ones, not the kids. We don't go to work every day, we get to go to work every day. It's an honor to be in the front of society's youth.
...In the words of Mrs. Green (for those of you who know who I'm speaking of): You'll never be bored unless you're in a coma! Teaching is one of the most exciting careers we could have. The moment it gets bored, we need to make changes. You need to get the kids out of a coma and into hello.
...There even came a point this semester when I didn't have any advice to share with you all. I realized then that I'm not always going to have the answers. (Or even be able to pretend like I have an answer.) Thanks to Liz, I learned that sometimes all we have to do is ask for the help.
...And finally we came to find how much we genuinely love the students we get to spend our days with. They aren't just a group of kids in desks there to listen to you every day, instead, they become your kids.
That's when I realized how much of a family we truly are. I'm a part of a beautiful group of people who have done nothing but shed love on each other all semester long. We celebrated successes and consoled each other over failures. None of us ever did this alone.
As this semester comes to an end, let me just again thank you for everything each of you have done. I so indebted to you for all that I've learned. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And finally, let me part with an old Irish blessing some of you may know...
I couldn't be more proud of all of you. And let me just say how honored I am to have been a part of all of your journeys. Finally let me thank you for being a part of mine. I honestly could not have done it without you.
...This entire blog started because we had our first #futureteachermeltdown And let me say that those moments haven't entirely ceased! But it's alright, I guess it keeps things interesting.
...We panicked about taking the Praxis test. Yet on class on Tuesday we passed around high fives to everyone who took it this round. We all passed!
...Columbus may have attempted to circumnavigate the globe but I know for many of us, seeing our thought process with unit planning and actual classroom application, we began to see our ideas come full circle.
...We spent an entire semester on an amazing, yet incredibly rocky, journey. Here we are at this small destination point. We have many more destinations to reach! Remember to weigh them both equally: the importance of the journey and our goals.
...We faced some scary moments of ah-ha epiphanies. One of those moments I can best remember is Dakota's realization that she's not being called to be a teacher. She took one heck of a plunge in her decision to withdrawal her student teaching application. And she's so incredibly happy! As are we! The best part, she's still a part of our family. :)
...We learned that it's okay to fail and English majors can cry! (As Eric's piece of advice, we shouldn't, but sometimes we just need to get it out of our systems.)
...We came to the realization that we're the lucky ones, not the kids. We don't go to work every day, we get to go to work every day. It's an honor to be in the front of society's youth.
...In the words of Mrs. Green (for those of you who know who I'm speaking of): You'll never be bored unless you're in a coma! Teaching is one of the most exciting careers we could have. The moment it gets bored, we need to make changes. You need to get the kids out of a coma and into hello.
...There even came a point this semester when I didn't have any advice to share with you all. I realized then that I'm not always going to have the answers. (Or even be able to pretend like I have an answer.) Thanks to Liz, I learned that sometimes all we have to do is ask for the help.
...And finally we came to find how much we genuinely love the students we get to spend our days with. They aren't just a group of kids in desks there to listen to you every day, instead, they become your kids.That's when I realized how much of a family we truly are. I'm a part of a beautiful group of people who have done nothing but shed love on each other all semester long. We celebrated successes and consoled each other over failures. None of us ever did this alone.
As this semester comes to an end, let me just again thank you for everything each of you have done. I so indebted to you for all that I've learned. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And finally, let me part with an old Irish blessing some of you may know...
May the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face, may the rains fall softly upon your fields, and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
My Kids
It's almost the end of the year and with the holidays arriving, I can't help but feel a bit of nostalgia. Around this time, every year, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and a question ringing through my head: What did I do this year?
Looking back on it, 2011 was a pretty plain year. I mean, last year I travelled to Alaska and had an amazing journey there. This year, I've suffered through classes and for what? Yes, last year I went on a grand adventure, but this year I did too. I think I've grown so much in this year than any year before. Each year seems to be better than the last, but this one is special for some reason. I cannot pinpoint any specific moments, but there are a few I remember distinctly. Like this summer when I sat on the porch one night talking to my dad and telling him how scared I was for the future. Or another moment when I realized last semester that maybe I didn't want to be or couldn't be a teacher any more. Or the moment at the start of this semester when I couldn't ignore the calling God had for me any longer.
Yet within the past month alone, I've had a few of these ah-ha moments. Like the one I shared with you about my experience at the football game and realizing this would still be me in twenty more years. Or briefly after that, the moment where I came to peace with that feeling and the fact that I'm getting older and it will be okay. I think one of the biggest moments occurred this past Thursday when I finally finished my field placement and I couldn't help but feel like as I walked out of those school doors, I was leaving a piece of me behind. And when I found myself sharing these wonderful and amazing stories I have from my experience, I can't help but notice that I've started calling my students "my kids."
My kids. I had 48 of them this semester. Next I'll probably have double that if not more. Yet each of them are uniquely special. And as I hear about all of your experiences, I can't help but notice that you call them the same. Who would have thought that'd we mothers and fathers at age 21-22? It seems like all of that stuff that McDowell talked about in Issues with us about in loco parentis suddenly now makes sense. We get to spend a full 7-8 hours with these students during some of the most important times in their lives. I've said it before but I have to say it again; do you know lucky we are to have an opportunity to shape the future of our society? Only special people are called to do this job and we've all been blessed enough to experience this together.
Earlier in my blog, I shared with you a conversation that I had with Jen about being a parent and giving away the responsibility of caring for your child to a teacher. I wrote about how scared I was and how I didn't know I'd be able to handle that responsibility. I'm still scared and I'm still worried I'll fail, but I know I can do it now.
I've spent the past four weeks loving and caring on complete strangers. It took me awhile just to remember all their names, but now it's hard to imagine how this week will be without them. It's strange for me to think how fast I got attached to them, but it's so easy when you spend those precious 7-8 hours a day discovering and learning new things. They aren't just students that come and go, they're a new part of a collection of my kids that will pass with every new year. I won't stop thinking about them or remembering the wonderful new knowledge and experiences they offered me. It's true that you never really realize how a person, or group of people, can impact your life until they're gone.
Looking back on it, 2011 was a pretty plain year. I mean, last year I travelled to Alaska and had an amazing journey there. This year, I've suffered through classes and for what? Yes, last year I went on a grand adventure, but this year I did too. I think I've grown so much in this year than any year before. Each year seems to be better than the last, but this one is special for some reason. I cannot pinpoint any specific moments, but there are a few I remember distinctly. Like this summer when I sat on the porch one night talking to my dad and telling him how scared I was for the future. Or another moment when I realized last semester that maybe I didn't want to be or couldn't be a teacher any more. Or the moment at the start of this semester when I couldn't ignore the calling God had for me any longer.
Yet within the past month alone, I've had a few of these ah-ha moments. Like the one I shared with you about my experience at the football game and realizing this would still be me in twenty more years. Or briefly after that, the moment where I came to peace with that feeling and the fact that I'm getting older and it will be okay. I think one of the biggest moments occurred this past Thursday when I finally finished my field placement and I couldn't help but feel like as I walked out of those school doors, I was leaving a piece of me behind. And when I found myself sharing these wonderful and amazing stories I have from my experience, I can't help but notice that I've started calling my students "my kids."
My kids. I had 48 of them this semester. Next I'll probably have double that if not more. Yet each of them are uniquely special. And as I hear about all of your experiences, I can't help but notice that you call them the same. Who would have thought that'd we mothers and fathers at age 21-22? It seems like all of that stuff that McDowell talked about in Issues with us about in loco parentis suddenly now makes sense. We get to spend a full 7-8 hours with these students during some of the most important times in their lives. I've said it before but I have to say it again; do you know lucky we are to have an opportunity to shape the future of our society? Only special people are called to do this job and we've all been blessed enough to experience this together.
Earlier in my blog, I shared with you a conversation that I had with Jen about being a parent and giving away the responsibility of caring for your child to a teacher. I wrote about how scared I was and how I didn't know I'd be able to handle that responsibility. I'm still scared and I'm still worried I'll fail, but I know I can do it now.
I've spent the past four weeks loving and caring on complete strangers. It took me awhile just to remember all their names, but now it's hard to imagine how this week will be without them. It's strange for me to think how fast I got attached to them, but it's so easy when you spend those precious 7-8 hours a day discovering and learning new things. They aren't just students that come and go, they're a new part of a collection of my kids that will pass with every new year. I won't stop thinking about them or remembering the wonderful new knowledge and experiences they offered me. It's true that you never really realize how a person, or group of people, can impact your life until they're gone.
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