It's so incredibly easy to feel defeated. It's kind of a funny feeling to think that this week I've finished all the courses I need for my undergrad and now the only thing between me and graduation is student teaching. I'm excited to get into the field and apply all of my knowledge. Every time I find myself in the school, I feel encouraged to press forward, even on the toughest of days.
But out here... in the "real world," without any students nearby to remind me every moment what I'm fighting for, it can happen so fast to feel defeated. I've been working so so so hard this semester. Literally to the point where I've been in tears. I've had sleepless nights and I've had celebratory ones. I honestly cannot remember a time I've ever been so proud of myself. I don't mean to sound pompous or arrogant. That's not at all my intention. I just actually set a concrete goal for myself at the start of this semester and I've finally achieved it. It feels damn good.
Yet I cannot help but feel that with every small victory, I get one more slap thrown in my face trying to push me back down. I know it sounds melodramatic maybe to some, but it's not the least bit to me. Maybe it's because I'm the one fighting; I'm the one suffering through this. But it's the truth. Of course, leave it to me to attempt to over-analyze everything. Like honestly, one of my first thoughts is to start wondering that maybe I'm not cut out to be a teacher. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm always wondering. I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of fighting against the grain. I'm tired of giving it my all and still getting smacked down. I'm tired!
I'm writing to you in pain. Absolute heartbreak. Heartbreak? Yes. Because I feel like I've never loved anything more than I love life right now. I've tried to find a word for it... you know, when everything feels exactly right in the universe? That's how I've felt these past few weeks. Everything simply fell into it's place. Yet at the last moment, I've been hit down again with reality. I guess it's to keep me on my toes. Or to see if I can keep pushing through. But I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel like I've got none of the "stuff" everyone talks about having when they need to muster it all up. I've got nothing but a big heart that's so easily broken.
I've worked so incredibly hard. And now it's completely out of my control. It's beyond me. It's up to fate. And maybe, maybe fate's trying to tell me something...
Feel defeated and heartbroken - that's fine. But remember why you're doing what you're doing. Don't let anyone bring you down from your dreams. You know what you want to do, and that's all that matters. You're working hard to get there. Keep it up and accept the obstacles as learning experiences. :)
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