Advice from The Big Island!

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I've Tried. I'm Tired.

It's so incredibly easy to feel defeated. It's kind of a funny feeling to think that this week I've finished all the courses I need for my undergrad and now the only thing between me and graduation is student teaching. I'm excited to get into the field and apply all of my knowledge. Every time I find myself in the school, I feel encouraged to press forward, even on the toughest of days.
But out here... in the "real world," without any students nearby to remind me every moment what I'm fighting for, it can happen so fast to feel defeated. I've been working so so so hard this semester. Literally to the point where I've been in tears. I've had sleepless nights and I've had celebratory ones. I honestly cannot remember a time I've ever been so proud of myself. I don't mean to sound pompous or arrogant. That's not at all my intention. I just actually set a concrete goal for myself at the start of this semester and I've finally achieved it. It feels damn good.
Yet I cannot help but feel that with every small victory, I get one more slap thrown in my face trying to push me back down. I know it sounds melodramatic maybe to some, but it's not the least bit to me. Maybe it's because I'm the one fighting; I'm the one suffering through this. But it's the truth. Of course, leave it to me to attempt to over-analyze everything. Like honestly, one of my first thoughts is to start wondering that maybe I'm not cut out to be a teacher. Maybe I don't have what it takes. Maybe, maybe, maybe. I'm always wondering. I'm tired of wondering. I'm tired of fighting against the grain. I'm tired of giving it my all and still getting smacked down. I'm tired!
I'm writing to you in pain. Absolute heartbreak. Heartbreak? Yes. Because I feel like I've never loved anything more than I love life right now. I've tried to find a word for it... you know, when everything feels exactly right in the universe? That's how I've felt these past few weeks. Everything simply fell into it's place. Yet at the last moment, I've been hit down again with reality. I guess it's to keep me on my toes. Or to see if I can keep pushing through. But I feel defeated. I feel weak. I feel like I've got none of the "stuff" everyone talks about having when they need to muster it all up. I've got nothing but a big heart that's so easily broken.
I've worked so incredibly hard. And now it's completely out of my control. It's beyond me. It's up to fate. And maybe, maybe fate's trying to tell me something...

This blog will live on!

I just wanted to let all of you know that even though the fall 2011 semester has ended, I will continue to update this blog every Monday! Stay tuned for some exciting projects I want to try out during the winter break. I'm excited to hear what all of you are doing, so keep in touch!

I'll be posting the next two weeks from Hawaii!

A Small Part of Big Family

Can you believe it? It really happened! We did it! We made it to the LAST week. Hey guys, did you catch that... THE VERY LAST WEEK OF THE SEMESTER! We're here! Looking back at when I started this blog, I hardly even believed that the week of December 12th even existed... but here we are! And a very happy Monday to all of you :) We're actually done... we actually did it. We are still alive here today to talk about our victories!
I couldn't be more proud of all of you. And let me just say how honored I am to have been a part of all of your journeys. Finally let me thank you for being a part of mine. I honestly could not have done it without you. 

If we could, please take a moment to look back at all that we've achieved this semester... (and queue the montage)
...This entire blog started because we had our first #futureteachermeltdown And let me say that those moments haven't entirely ceased! But it's alright, I guess it keeps things interesting.
...We panicked about taking the Praxis test. Yet on class on Tuesday we passed around high fives to everyone who took it this round. We all passed!
...Columbus may have attempted to circumnavigate the globe but I know for many of us, seeing our thought process with unit planning and actual classroom application, we began to see our ideas come full circle.
...We spent an entire semester on an amazing, yet incredibly rocky, journey. Here we are at this small destination point. We have many more destinations to reach! Remember to weigh them both equally: the importance of the journey and our goals.
...We faced some scary moments of ah-ha epiphanies. One of those moments I can best remember is Dakota's realization that she's not being called to be a teacher. She took one heck of a plunge in her decision to withdrawal her student teaching application. And she's so incredibly happy! As are we! The best part, she's still a part of our family. :)
...We learned that it's okay to fail and English majors can cry! (As Eric's piece of advice, we shouldn't, but sometimes we just need to get it out of our systems.)
...We came to the realization that we're the lucky ones, not the kids. We don't go to work every day, we get to go to work every day. It's an honor to be in the front of society's youth.
...In the words of Mrs. Green (for those of you who know who I'm speaking of): You'll never be bored unless you're in a coma! Teaching is one of the most exciting careers we could have. The moment it gets bored, we need to make changes. You need to get the kids out of a coma and into hello. 
...There even came a point this semester when I didn't have any advice to share with you all. I realized then that I'm not always going to have the answers. (Or even be able to pretend like I have an answer.) Thanks to Liz, I learned that sometimes all we have to do is ask for the help.
...And finally we came to find how much we genuinely love the students we get to spend our days with. They aren't just a group of kids in desks there to listen to you every day, instead, they become your kids.
That's when I realized how much of a family we truly are. I'm a part of a beautiful group of people who have done nothing but shed love on each other all semester long. We celebrated successes and consoled each other over failures. None of us ever did this alone.

As this semester comes to an end, let me just again thank you for everything each of you have done. I so indebted to you for all that I've learned. Thank you, thank you, thank you. And finally, let me part with an old Irish blessing some of you may know...

May the road rise to meet you, may the wind always be at your back, may the sun shine warm upon your face, may the rains fall softly upon your fields, and until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of his hand. 

My Kids

It's almost the end of the year and with the holidays arriving, I can't help but feel a bit of nostalgia. Around this time, every year, I get this feeling in the pit of my stomach and a question ringing through my head: What did I do this year? 
Looking back on it, 2011 was a pretty plain year. I mean, last year I travelled to Alaska and had an amazing journey there. This year, I've suffered through classes and for what? Yes, last year I went on a grand adventure, but this year I did too. I think I've grown so much in this year than any year before. Each year seems to be better than the last, but this one is special for some reason. I cannot pinpoint any specific moments, but there are a few I remember distinctly. Like this summer when I sat on the porch one night talking to my dad and telling him how scared I was for the future. Or another moment when I realized last semester that maybe I didn't want to be or couldn't be a teacher any more. Or the moment at the start of this semester when I couldn't ignore the calling God had for me any longer.
Yet within the past month alone, I've had a few of these ah-ha moments. Like the one I shared with you about my experience at the football game and realizing this would still be me in twenty more years. Or briefly after that, the moment where I came to peace with that feeling and the fact that I'm getting older and it will be okay. I think one of the biggest moments occurred this past Thursday when I finally finished my field placement and I couldn't help but feel like as I walked out of those school doors, I was leaving a piece of me behind. And when I found myself sharing these wonderful and amazing stories I have from my experience, I can't help but notice that I've started calling my students "my kids."
My kids. I had 48 of them this semester. Next I'll probably have double that if not more. Yet each of them are uniquely special. And as I hear about all of your experiences, I can't help but notice that you call them the same. Who would have thought that'd we mothers and fathers at age 21-22? It seems like all of that stuff that McDowell talked about in Issues with us about in loco parentis suddenly now makes sense. We get to spend a full 7-8 hours with these students during some of the most important times in their lives. I've said it before but I have to say it again; do you know lucky we are to have an opportunity to shape the future of our society? Only special people are called to do this job and we've all been blessed enough to experience this together.

Earlier in my blog, I shared with you a conversation that I had with Jen about being a parent and giving away the responsibility of caring for your child to a teacher. I wrote about how scared I was and how I didn't know I'd be able to handle that responsibility. I'm still scared and I'm still worried I'll fail, but I know I can do it now.
I've spent the past four weeks loving and caring on complete strangers. It took me awhile just to remember all their names, but now it's hard to imagine how this week will be without them. It's strange for me to think how fast I got attached to them, but it's so easy when you spend those precious 7-8 hours a day discovering and learning new things. They aren't just students that come and go, they're a new part of a collection of my kids that will pass with every new year. I won't stop thinking about them or remembering the wonderful new knowledge and experiences they offered me. It's true that you never really realize how a person, or group of people, can impact your life until they're gone.

The Little Train That Couldn't

Up until this exact moment, I didn't feel the pressures of this semester alike so many others of you. Literally minutes ago, I had a panic attack about it all. As the semester is coming to an end, I'm just realizing everything that I need to do. 
Here's the to-do list that stares me in the face every single day:

* I deleted the one bullet because it had student names written there. 

As if this isn't enough to stress me out, I have a separate post-it note that has a list of personal stuff. Buy Christmas gift for A, go to the grocery store for B, etc, etc, etc. In addition to my silly little lists of to-do's then I also have to stress over all the other things going on in my life right now.
And people, hellooooo, we have only 15 (yes, that's FIFTEEN) more school days... Am I the only person freaking out here?
How is it ever going to get done? And yet will I have any time just for me? I'll spend all day Tues, Weds and Thurs this week in the classroom and I can guarantee that just my drive home I'll be freaking out because I can't be busy attempting to get something else done on my checklist. DUDES, I AM STRESSIN' OUT.
I can normally handle stress pretty well but not when I'm adding another thing to a list to do and I haven't been able to cross anything else off the list. (And for some ridiculous reason, I have that education connection commercial jingle stuck in my head. This isn't helping my sanity!)
I know most every blog post I try to have a really positive message to send to you... but I can honestly say that I'm struggling to see the light at the end of this tunnel right now. I know I'll get there, because I always do. This train is chuggin' along realllll slow, but we'll get there...
I may not be able to share some good advice with you this week, but I have a pretty awesome red-headed friend who can. Thank you Liz! :)

Good luck guys... we can do it.

The Greatest Game You Can Play

This past Friday night I had a moment of scary realization. But first, let me recap my week for you.

Tuesday-Friday I was in the school. I taught my eleventh grade classes on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. (And I get to teach them again tomorrow!) I love it and I think they might even like having someone new teach them. They’re impressed with how much technology I can bring in; just little things like showing them video clips online that are related to what they’re learning (currently it's The Canterbury Tales). I even made them a class blog and they literally ooh’d and ahh’d. I know it’s a bit of fun and games, but I can’t even begin to describe how comfortable I am standing in front of them and getting to share what I know and urge them to discover more on their own. It’s literally as if I was made for this. (I sure as heck hope that’s the truth!) They started an amusing chant that goes something like “Miss Small knows it all!” and I honestly can’t distinguish the difference as to whether or not they’re making fun of me. Regardless, I get them to complete their work and accomplish their goals and I’m willing to make a fool of myself if it means they get to excel. This isn’t at all how silly I may look, it’s about how much greatness they can and will achieve. 

After a long week of teaching just 3 periods a day, I was beginning to realize that this is what my life would look like for the next x number of years. Yet this moment didn’t really begin to sink in until I was sitting at the high school football game on Friday evening. Now mind you that this was my very first attendance at a high school football game (my home school district doesn’t have a team), so this was a whirlwind of new emotions/reactions. As I sat overhearing the conversations from parents around me, I began to realize that this is what my life has become. I’m supposed to be a responsible adult here to serve as a role model and educator for students. The next 10, 20, 30, or 40 years will be spent doing exactly this. Am I the only one who finds this moment of self-realization to be slightly terrifying? 

Now I know we’re young and we have our whole lives ahead of us, but I can’t help but be a little worried that one day I’ll get stuck in a rut. And I don’t work well with ruts, or for that matter, anything that stays completely consistent. I don’t like change, but life is so boring without it. It’s just another paradox of life. So while I sat outside in the freezing cold on Friday night, my heart began to race when I thought of myself sitting in the same spot thirty more years from now. Our students will come and go, but year after year we will still be here. 

Alright, alright. Let’s get over this moment of panic. Because shortly after I had this realization, I sat thinking and dreaming about the future and about how different things can and will be. Even if I’m fortunate enough to have the same job in the same school district for the next forty years, there will always be something changing. Firstly, we must recognize that our students are never the same. As similar as they may seem at first glance, they won’t at all be the same as the class before them or even their fellow peers sitting beside them. Secondly, the content we’ll be teaching will be ever-changing, ever-growing. Think of how much new knowledge and research has been discovered in the past decade. Prepare for more in the future! Finally, we’ll be getting older, gaining new knowledge, having more experience. We're the ones that are changing just as much as our students are growing to find out who they are. Life will never be the same. And the moment it begins to feel that way, we need to do something to change it. 

I don’t know much about football, but I think I’ve found a way to connect football and life. (For those of you familiar with football, I'm sorry if this seems dull.) Okay, so you’re a part of a team that changes year after year as people come and go. But you always remember the successes or mistakes of your fellow teammates. You make decisions based off of their moves. You have a book of plays, but no matter how much you try to predict the opposing team’s movement, you can never guess it all. They’ll always find a way to surprise you; to make a new pass or to stop another ball. You’re going to have a few good throws that a student might catch and run for a 50 yard touchdown. Other times, you might not be able to move the ball forward at all or even lose a few yards. You’re going to lose some games and you’ll win others. But what if you began to play with the mindset that every game is the big championship one? What if every day, you got so pumped up and played it with every being of your very core? It might even begin to look like you were born for that moment.

I'm an English major, you do the math.

Let me share a few numbers and figures with you...

-- As of this past Saturday (11/12) we are officially less than six months away from graduation.

-- There are only 33 more days until the end of this semester.

-- There are only 9 more days until Thanksgiving break.
-- There are only 4 more days until the weekend.  

Saturday also marked the Praxis II test for some of us. Although I was still nervous from all the weight that test carries, I was so incredibly happy after I was finished with it. 2 hours and 120 questions later, I was jumping with joy. Again let me tell you that I think the practice Praxis test that you can purchase is extremely helpful. But I’ll also tell you that the practice test is much harder than the actual one. I was proud to walk out of that room with three of my friends, all feeling confident in ourselves and the direction were heading.

This past week has also marked the end of our official first week of teacher placement. I had the opportunity to talk to some of you about your experiences and I’m so happy to hear they’re all going so well! I want to hear all the details about everyone’s experience! (Comment below!)
Back to the numbers...

There are 1440 minutes in a single day. This week I’ve had to get up at 6 am, leave my house at 7am, take a 20 minute drive, spend the next eight hours in a classroom full of 18-30 students, make the 30 minute drive home (traffic’s increased now), and finish all of my remaining work, eat dinner and take a shower within the last 6 ½ hours before my strict 10:30 bedtime. (I know for some of you, you have much more difficult and exhaustive regimes, so I apologize for making this moment about me right now.) I do this routine a full three days a week as of now. Come January, we’ll be doing this for five straight days for months on end. Now I know what most of you are thinking… is this worth it? Is this the kind of dedication it takes? Is this what the rest of my life is going to feel like?

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. And more. It’s part of the price we’re going to pay. We put in long hours in and out of school. This isn't the 9 months of teaching, 3 months of summer vacation. Teaching; lesson planning; grading; living our own lives. And what do we get from it? Some of the greatest rewards any job can offer. This isn’t a job or occupation; this will be a way of life. And right now, we’re getting a small sample of it.

I’m not sure about all of you, but from those that I have talked to I already see your happiness radiating as you share with me your experiences. The rewards are already abundant and we’ve only had a few short days testing the waters. Yes, it's stressful and sometimes we're going to have no other option but to cry. But remember: You are changing lives!
Now I’m not about to say that every day is rainbows and lollipops, but what we have to remember what’s important at the end of each day.

There are 1440 minutes in a single day. You are privileged to spend 360- 420 minutes each day with a room full of open young minds. You have minutes of opportunity. Spend every second as wisely as you can. Students are sitting in classrooms for 9 months for 12 straight years. They’re asking to be taught, they’re willing to explore. Present these opportunities in your classroom. Don't accept any norm, rather challenge ideas and push the limits. Change someone's way of thinking. Do great. 

"Be not afraid of greatness: some are born great, some achieve greatness and some have greatness thrust upon them." - William Shakespeare

English Majors Don’t Cry

(A forewarning before you continue: this post may be a little corny.) 

The past week has been a trying one, filled with floods of emotions. 

“English majors don’t cry,” a friend said to me last week when I was feeling incredibly down about things. Even though I did cry and broke maybe the first rule of the club, I learned an important lesson. When one of us cries, all of us cry. 

Placements arrived on Wednesday and at last, I was one of two English majors without a school. I can’t even begin to describe my disappointment. You all know how badly I was waiting for that day only to leave empty-handed. Nonetheless, the amount of support received from everyone was overwhelming. So many of you said, “You can come to school with me!” It was this little bit that truly made me realize what an amazing bunch of friends and colleagues I have. When I finally received my placement on Friday as a lovely birthday from the field services office, all of you rejoiced with me. My happiness was shared with everyone. 

I know I don’t have much to say for this Monday blog post, but I must offer my deepest thanks to all. This semester would have been extremely lonely and unimaginably difficult without each of you; in fact, I’m not sure I’d still be in the program without your support. I’m so proud to be a part of such a tight knit group of education majors who cannot wait to get out into the real world and start making changes. But more importantly, I’m so honored to call each of you my friends. 

Good luck to all of you going out to schools this week and for those of you still pushing through the regular semester, know that there are only 29 school days left. Do well and make yourself proud! We’re here to carry you through the difficult days and celebrate the smallest victories.

Just take it one day at a time…

The Scariest Time of Year

Normally I'm a huge fan of this time of year. I love the fall weather, the fall festivities and Halloween! This year though seems a little different. This week is the week we finally get our junior bloc placements. And I'm not sure about about the rest of you, but I'm a little scared!

Of course my fear isn't the same fear that comes from scary movies, haunted hayrides and plain ol' trickery. My fear is the fear of failure. Although I'm slowly overcoming this fear and accepting it as a part of life, I can't help but think of how much is on the line and how many people I can disappoint.

This past week in our junior block methods class we watched the end of the documentary we've been working on all semester. The film is on first year teachers and I couldn't help but tear up in class as we watched these teachers pack up their classrooms and say goodbye to their students until the fall again. They had finally survived their first year of teaching. After the film we reflected personally and as a class on the emotions we were experiencing. While I couldn't even bear to say what I was thinking because I knew I'd start crying, another peer said it perfectly. Jen related this documentary to how it made her feel and her own attempts at raising her children. She expressed her fears in giving someone else (i.e. a teacher) the responsibility to shape her daughter in the same ways that she had done for the first part of her life. Hearing Jen, a mother, made me realize exactly how much responsibility I do have. I've known this for awhile, but it suddenly became extremely real and terrifying when I heard a friend expressing her worries. I'm almost 22 years old and while I just barely take care of myself, I don't know if I'm responsible enough to care for another person. So how in the world am I supposed to be responsible for caring for an entire classroom of 25+ students?

It took another peer's input to say just what I needed to hear. She said she knows she'll have to bring her all every single day when we get into our classrooms. And while it'll be insanely hard some days to bring everything that we have, we mustn't give up. This isn't about us, this is about our students. 

I know I can care for people because it's who I am. It's the way I was raised. It's the way I'm propelled every day to achieve bigger and better things for me and the world I live in. I guess it's this feeling that I've always had about being a teacher and now it finally has a name. It might be called love.

Now love isn't always rainbows and lollipops. We're told this every day in our classes. Love can be extremely scary. Love will be hard when we want to see all of our students succeed and while we may exhaust ourselves mentally and physically, there may still be a student who just can't learn in a way we can teach them. That doesn't mean we've failed; that doesn't mean they've failed. It means that they need more love, from someone who is better at providing it for them. Love will be difficult when we see our students come from the toughest places and try their hardest not to let the world's drama follow them into the school. Love will be trying when a student believes they cannot excel.

But love isn't always going to be difficult. Love will grow when we inspire a student to go after their dreams. Love will blossom when a student of ours one day becomes a teacher to change the world they live in.

(Now I know this isn't Valentine's day, so let me get back to my Halloween metaphors.) I guess what I'm saying is that some days it'll be the trick and others will be the treat. But it can't be about how scary things are; it must be about how great things will be. We can't always hide behind masks and never take chances. We've spent three and a half years learning "all that we need to know" about becoming a teacher; but in the midst of it all, don't forget what is at the core of it all... a caring heart. 

The Journey or The Destination?

As of lately, it seems like I'm encountering a lot of people who are finally finding the path of life they believe they should be traveling. This is true for me too.
It's weird that it's taken so long to feel this way, but it's not too surprising. I expect there will be many more twists and turns ahead.

When we were in high school, we began the journey of choosing what direction we wanted to head. For some of us, I'm sure it seemed like there was no other option than college. For others, there might have been literally a world of opportunities. For me specifically, I choose to come to Millersville for nothing but selfish reasons. Looking back, I'm ridiculously thankful it actually played out to my advantage instead of the drastic path it could have went. I wanted to be a teacher, again for selfish reasons. I've been lucky enough to have encountered some awesome teachers throughout my life and one day I thought, "Hmm... I could do that." It was indeed self-centered at first, but when others began telling me I should become a teacher, I began to wonder if maybe I could be cut out for the job.
Actually, ever since I was a little girl, I dreamed I would become a math professor at PSU. That dream died in the eighth grade when my math teacher said, "You're terrible at math! You'll never be able to be a professor!" We won't get into all of the extrinsic motivating factors that forever ruined my hopes and dreams of becoming a math professor, but her words will forever stick with me. I quickly knew one thing was certain: I never wanted to be the teacher that she was.
Fast forward a few years and I was in high school realizing I need to apply to colleges and choose a major. I knew I didn't have to have a major to start necessarily, but I wanted to have a goal to aim for. I applied to Millersville's history education program because I loved history. Although accepted, a week before we arrived here in August of 2008, I told them I wanted to change my major to English ed. I like English a smidgen more than history. That decision changed my entire life path. 
First semester here, I had four of my five classes with the same group of girls. We quickly became the best of friends. Since then, for the most part, we've all been taking this walk through our education together. But as we got older, took different classes, and moved around, we began to realize although we were all aiming towards becoming English teachers, we were all on very different journeys.
Even now, in the last final semesters, I'm finding that some of my great friends and peers realize they aren't cut out to be teachers or it's reconfirmed that they're on the right track. I experienced the same feelings last semester. (Something I had kept from many of my friends because I feared what they'd say.) I kept it well-hidden, did my work and finished another checklist of classes I needed to graduate. When this fall semester started, everything began to change. Something literally felt different in me. I had passion again. For teaching, for English, for life. I began talking to people about the emotions I felt last semester and realized many of them were worried about that this semester. It's scary and overwhelming, but like everything else in life, we aren't alone. Someone has, or is, experiencing the same feelings and emotions. 
For me, it was the past week when I finally had my epiphany. I'm sure many of you are even thinking now that I've been talking about this for awhile, but it was literally yesterday that I sat here and realized that I'm exactly where I should to be. I have a conflict of interests with my own past and I'm constantly wondering if all my decisions today are based off of the ones of my past. (If you ever want a great conversation to share over coffee, I'll tell you my entire theory about this.) But yesterday, I heard a song that got me thinking about the past again. And for some reason, I didn't have the same panic-stricken feeling that I get when I remember the way things used to be. Instead, I felt an odd serenity in life. A moment later, a quote was placed in front of me that read, "Your past is just a story. And once you realize this, it has no power over you." I literally felt freed in a celebratory moment of ah-ha realization.

I could make you a plot chart of my life and all it would do is tell you a story from start to finish. So I began to consider which is more important; is it the journey or the destination? So often we hear that it's the trip, not the end result. But the road I've been on has been a roller coaster and I although I see the end destination and I'm excited to get there, I want to keep on riding for a little while more.
The conclusion I've come to? ...We wouldn't be nearly as excited to get to the destination if we didn't have the journey. The adventure needs to have purpose and intention. The two of them have to coexist for it to be worthwhile, for life to have meaning.
So grab a friend, take a seat, scream and yell, laugh and cry, and hold on tight for this roller coaster of life.

Lessons Recently Learned

As most of you probably already know, I went to the Pennsylvania Conference for Teachers of English and Language Arts (PCTELA) this past weekend. I was planning on going regardless, but then I also had the opportunity to present a writing collaboration project. And I have to say that as a preservice teacher attending this conference, it was a little overwhelming but incredibly insightful. Let me tell you about some of the things I learned.

1) In our classes now, we're learning about all of these awesome progressive ideas, but we still fear resistance from the outside world. And this is rightfully so! I met a lot of incredible people this weekend, but I have to tell you that all of our teaching philosophies varied. It wasn't the happy-go-lucky world of teaching that so many of us crave but aren't sure actually exist. Oppositely, some of the teachers I met were able to get away with all sorts of things in their classrooms and their classrooms were successful. Others feared what would happen if they loosened their reins. One important piece of advice I learned this weekend is that we have to be passionate. Of course we're all taught this and told that if we don't have any, we should probably find a different career. But as I sat around hearing the stories from all sorts of teachers, I realized everything they did stemmed out of passion. Whatever we do in life, do it passionately.
2) Network, network, network! The theme of this weekend was Community Through Collaboration. Even as a preservice teacher entering this big conference filled with veterans in the field, they were all willing to hear and appreciate the ideas I brought to the table. Although most of them weren't nearly as progressive as my philosophies are, they quickly realized that I had some valuable information to offer them and vice-versa. I couldn't possibly list all of the great advice and lessons I learned this weekend in this single blog post. In an age of technology, networking and community collaboration can be done in a blink of an eye. (After all, think about you simply reading this blog post that I just offered.) Get out there and start networking! Don't be afraid to talk to people and bounce ideas around. On the right hand side of this blog is a link to the English Companion Ning, check that out! Create your own website and link to others. This is the world wide web people!
3) We need to stop talking about the 21st century like it's not here. We keep talking about all of these skills that students of the 21st century need to have, but we seem to almost seem to forget for a second that we're actually already here in that century! We need to make sure we're harnessing these skills in our own lives and the lives of our students if we expect them to be prepared for life beyond school. Hello 2011!

Of course now, let me tell you about one last crucial thing I learned this weekend. There is no other time than right now. Do you hear me? This is our moment, right now. Not tomorrow, not a month from now, but right this second. I don't know about the rest of you, but lately it seems like life is a freight train completely whizzing by me and I can barely stay on track. And while we need to be looking ahead and be preparing for the future, we cannot forget that we're here today. I think too often we get so caught up in all the planning that we forget to live a little in the moment. I realized this when I drove four and a half hours along the turnpike between here and Pittsburgh and then back. Although I was soaring by at 65 miles per hour, I took time to slow my mind and realize how incredibly beautiful the changing colors of fall were. For those of you who haven't driven the western half of the PA turnpike, prepare yourself for four mountain tunnels and twisty roads bending with the mountainsides. In the midst of the traffic, Thursday's rain and the chaos of life swarming in my mind, I took a moment to glance out the windows and notice all of the beautiful colors of trees in the valleys to the left and right. Oranges, reds, yellows, purples, browns, grays, greens. It made me realize how fast I'm living and how quick I'm dying. In a moment of all of the craziness flocking around us, I just ask you to take a moment and literally stop to smell the roses (or see the changing colors of fall). We're here today: so live passionately and do good. We don't know if we'll have tomorrow.

519 Years Later

Remember when we were children and life was so sweet whenever Columbus Day came around? We had off of school, we got to frolic in the fall leaves, carve pumpkins and sleep in late. I sang songs, put on a school play, and still til this day I have that infamous line stuck in my head: 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
I mean thank goodness Columbus crashed into this enormous piece of land known as North America on a school/working day so we could all have off of school and some of our government jobs. (Bad joke #1.) Where has this gotten us today? Yes, for those in elementary, middle and high school have off, but I sure as heck don't see any of them celebrating the fact that without Columbus we wouldn't have a home. (Bad joke #2.)
For me and probably the majority of you, we don't have a break at all. Yes, we do have off of classes today, but only because this year our Fall Break happened to fall over Columbus Day, much like Columbus happened to find America. For previous years, we still had to go to class and slave away doing homework and writing papers. Isn't it my God-forsaken right as an American citizen to have a day off of school for the man that "discovered" our present homeland? Of course not, because Columbus Day means nothing anymore: people don't care. Columbus was pompously obsessed with the idea of finding a quicker route from Europe to India and he just happened to bump into a land mass. Discovery of the new land was nothing but coincidental or pure luck. But now, some of us are simply rewarded with a day off of school or work, while the rest of us are inconvenienced with the lack of mail delivery and federal buildings being closed.
I digress.
One thing Columbus and I did have in common is that we see a goal and we're set on obtaining it. He might have been a little self-obsessed and wanted the recognition of proving the earth wasn't flat, but I'm much more simpler. I want to be a good person; a great teacher; I want to help people along the way. Columbus wasn't for promoting humanity and I am.
And thanks to him, this year at least, I get to have a day off to do it all. I get to sit and fill out piles of paperwork for "intent on teaching in 2012," getting a TB test shot up my arm and paying the appropriate fees. Doesn't it seem like since the moment we've entered college, we do nothing besides pay more and more money? Hey guys, let's scrounge together the last of our change so we can pay just to have a degree. Forget the fact that we've paid years' tuition for it. Now we have to pay to have it all filed. I can't help but feel like a small part of me dies with every form I fill out and every money order I send off.
I don't mean to degrade Columbus in any sense, but I can't help but wonder what I have to do to get my picture on a stamp? That man coincidentally bumped into America and gets a national holiday and a stamp... what do I have to do? 

One day all of this paperwork, miscellaneous vaccines and shots, and fees will pay off. I don't mean literally of course, because we all know the average teacher's salary. But other rewards will come. We get to help people, grow alongside of our students, and shape the lives of the future. We play a major role in the scheme of things. After all, Columbus probably had a few teachers impact him along his educational path. (Although most of them probably told him the earth was flat.) We, in theory, could help shape the life of the next Columbus. We might even be alive to hear the accomplishments of our future students, with the memory that we were a role in their young lives. They might get a stamp with their face on it, we still won't. Being a teacher is a rewarding but a nearly anonymous identity. We've devoted our lives to this and we might never get the recognition we deserve. But it is about us?
Columbus didn't get to do much actually. Yes, he found the land mass of North America, but honestly, who could have missed it? He took a chance and he found a reward. He wasn't the first to find America, but he's remembered for actually staying. A few hundred years later, the United States would finally be established as a new country. Columbus had no idea that his discovery would have resulted in this.
And here we are 519 years later. I bet Columbus would have never known his silly, self-absorbed idea, would have resulted in this. Our lives as teachers will be similar. We make day-to-day decisions and we might never see the reward or outcome. I honestly don't think any of us will ever see a stamp with our name or face on it. But we were called to do this. Someone told us something along our own path that placed the idea in our head that we were meant to be a teacher. Whatever that person said or did, we began questioning our own ideas about life, and here we are to answer them and show students how to find their own answers.
I encourage you to stretch your students' minds. Let them think outside the box or beyond the next ocean. There's a horizon out there and they need to aim for it. Set your sail and embark on a journey, but remember that you can never quite reach that horizon. It'll grow and move with you, always pushing you the next step. And who knows, you might even stumble upon a new idea or two along the way.

Practicing for the Praxis

I in fact did have another panic attack on Saturday after purchasing and downloading a Praxis Study Guide and Practice Praxis Exam.
The first page of the Study Guide read:

While paging numbly throughout the study guide the only information I concluded was how ill-prepared I felt and how pointless purchasing the study guide was. Most of the information inside was like: "Make a study plan!" "Take your time!" and "Don't wait until the last minute!" Well thanks for those friendly reminders. Note: Don't waste your money on purchasing this half, instead go all in for the practice exam!
And so, I decided to take a glance into the exam...
After reading the first page alone, I panicked and snapped my computer lid shut. I couldn't handle it. Sweaty palms, heart racing, I thought I was about to pass out.
Thankfully, after I regained my composure the next day (a normally lazy Sunday afternoon) I sat down and began to take my practice exam. 120 questions in 120 minutes. I trudged through painstakingly and when I didn't have a question of a doubt in my mind about some right answers, I cheered happily to myself.
People, get ready to recall EVERYTHING you have once learned. I wish I was exaggerating, but I am not. This really is a cumulative assessment and you'd be surprised to know you do know a lot of the content if you paid attention in high school English. If not, it's not to late to start refreshing yourself on what alliteration is, how to define dependent clauses, and writing annotations / bibliography entries. However, if you allow me to be honest for a minute, I must tell you that a lot of questions are in regard to reading a passage and then identifying something (i.e. what the author's point may be, etc). The absolute hardest part for me featured a few moments where a long passage is posted and then the only question for that passage is "Who is the author?" Uhhhh. Okay. So while we've spent most of our college career reading countless authors throughout history, there were still some on there that I've never read. (Someone please tell me when I was supposed to have the time to do this?)
The good news: You aren't penalized for wrong answers so guess your little hearts out. There aren't trick questions (thank goodness). Everything is multiple choices (yay Scantrons...). You can take it as many times as your heart so desires.
The best news: It's not actually that awful. Like I said, we do know this stuff. Just take a deep breath and practice for it. It'll be alright. I'm happy to say I passed it this practice round. I'm sure you can do the same, once you get pass the initial shock. If you have any other questions about it, I suggest really buying the practice exam, or maybe some of us can gather together and have a refresh night. Just know that it is a big test, the pressure is on, but you were born for this moment. You'll be great!
Here are two practice questions to get your brains thumping:

At the end of yesterday I was mentally exhausted from doing schoolwork all weekend and after completing that Practice Praxis Exam, but it was worth it, you know? Soon I'll be getting to do what I love... soon I'll be getting to teach! And you will too. Rock on small people, rock on.

Day 1: The End Days

Okay, so it isn't day one at all. In fact it is almost the exact opposite. It is our fourth and final year and we are already 32 long days into the semester. (People: we only have 79 more days to go!)
As this semester arrived, I found myself experiencing strange anxiety attacks throughout the summer. These moments of nervousness were firmly established from my fear of what's to come in the future. Indeed we don't know what's to come and there's always fear of the unknown. I didn't know what was in store for this semester, or next, or for that matter next fall.
Fall 2011 began and while I praised myself for staying so on top of my work and assignments thus far into the semester, I was beginning to realize how good things were going. I got excited again for actually wanting to teach and having my own classroom one day! This feeling lasted until, well, TODAY.

I sat in a classroom filled of my fellow English majors suspecting today would be like every other Tuesday/Thursday class schedule. I don't think of any of us were prepared for the brick wall we all hit.
As our professor rambled on about our current Unit Plan assignment, our heads began spinning and I swear I even witnessed some smoke emerging from a few ears. In moments of panic, we tried to ask questions, but most only pushed us further over the edge.
We crossed the hall into our next classroom together and after putting my stuff down I returned to the hallway. Upon my arrival back inside the classroom, I witnessed the small group of English majors (8 of us together in this class now), huddled around one another and shouting. Literally shouting. Hair pulling. Teary eyes. Deep breaths. It was like I witnessed a bad accident. And suddenly I found myself being swept into the storm of fury as we let out our frustrations on one another.
"One minute until class," our professor reminded us and in huffs of frustration we made our ways to our seats. As I sat there, trying to calm myself and rub away the migraine forming in my head it was then that I realized we English majors are in an precise moment of the end stages of a very problematic illness.
This illness is common and you might have even experienced it before. It's symptoms include: nervousness, anxiety, mental strain, nausea, vomiting, sleepless nights, loss of hair, lack of time, forgetfulness, lack of appetite, and occasionally strong body odor. This illness is often referred to as
I-feel-like-I-don't-know-a-damn-thing-anymore-and-I'm-doomed-to-fail-at-everything-I'll-ever-do.
Very commonly this illness spreads throughout college campuses so you should protect yourself at all costs. If you experience any of these symptoms, it's important to know that you are not alone. In fact you have an entire network of people here for moral support (hence the purpose of this blog). With that in mind, you must prepare yourself for absolute failure. It could happen, it really could. And for you to better cope with this realization, you need to know it's okay to fail. In fact, that's exactly what we all did earlier today.
Tomorrow's a new day. Although I'm still experiencing most of the symptoms from this illness, I think I'll find a cure in the future. Today was terrible. It can't get much worse than this. Eventually our symptoms will dissipate and we'll find new qualities about ourselves we didn't know we had (like the confidence to stand in front of a room full of teenagers and expect them to want to read The Great Gatsby).
I hope my message is clear: It will get better. We all have a reason for our desire to teach. In these vast moments of panic, hold onto the memories you have about your own schooling. Remember what drives you to be better. And tomorrow will be better.