Normally I'm a huge fan of this time of year. I love the fall weather, the fall festivities and Halloween! This year though seems a little different. This week is the week we finally get our junior bloc placements. And I'm not sure about about the rest of you, but I'm a little scared!
Of course my fear isn't the same fear that comes from scary movies, haunted hayrides and plain ol' trickery. My fear is the fear of failure. Although I'm slowly overcoming this fear and accepting it as a part of life, I can't help but think of how much is on the line and how many people I can disappoint.
This past week in our junior block methods class we watched the end of the documentary we've been working on all semester. The film is on first year teachers and I couldn't help but tear up in class as we watched these teachers pack up their classrooms and say goodbye to their students until the fall again. They had finally survived their first year of teaching. After the film we reflected personally and as a class on the emotions we were experiencing. While I couldn't even bear to say what I was thinking because I knew I'd start crying, another peer said it perfectly. Jen related this documentary to how it made her feel and her own attempts at raising her children. She expressed her fears in giving someone else (i.e. a teacher) the responsibility to shape her daughter in the same ways that she had done for the first part of her life. Hearing Jen, a mother, made me realize exactly how much responsibility I do have. I've known this for awhile, but it suddenly became extremely real and terrifying when I heard a friend expressing her worries. I'm almost 22 years old and while I just barely take care of myself, I don't know if I'm responsible enough to care for another person. So how in the world am I supposed to be responsible for caring for an entire classroom of 25+ students?
It took another peer's input to say just what I needed to hear. She said she knows she'll have to bring her all every single day when we get into our classrooms. And while it'll be insanely hard some days to bring everything that we have, we mustn't give up. This isn't about us, this is about our students.
I know I can care for people because it's who I am. It's the way I was raised. It's the way I'm propelled every day to achieve bigger and better things for me and the world I live in. I guess it's this feeling that I've always had about being a teacher and now it finally has a name. It might be called love.
Now love isn't always rainbows and lollipops. We're told this every day in our classes. Love can be extremely scary. Love will be hard when we want to see all of our students succeed and while we may exhaust ourselves mentally and physically, there may still be a student who just can't learn in a way we can teach them. That doesn't mean we've failed; that doesn't mean they've failed. It means that they need more love, from someone who is better at providing it for them. Love will be difficult when we see our students come from the toughest places and try their hardest not to let the world's drama follow them into the school. Love will be trying when a student believes they cannot excel.
But love isn't always going to be difficult. Love will grow when we inspire a student to go after their dreams. Love will blossom when a student of ours one day becomes a teacher to change the world they live in.
(Now I know this isn't Valentine's day, so let me get back to my Halloween metaphors.) I guess what I'm saying is that some days it'll be the trick and others will be the treat. But it can't be about how scary things are; it must be about how great things will be. We can't always hide behind masks and never take chances. We've spent three and a half years learning "all that we need to know" about becoming a teacher; but in the midst of it all, don't forget what is at the core of it all... a caring heart.
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